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Billion dollar syndicate cobbles ultra-real tech device

Published 01-APR-2017 09:52 A.M.


7 minute read

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One year on from its revolutionary announcement, a US-based tech syndicate comprised of Apple, Panasonic, Raytheon, Intel and LG, continues to turbo-drive innovation into bewilderingly artificial state-of-the-art territory.

We first reported on the tech syndicate as part of a exclusive last year.

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This time last year, the tech syndicate was on the cusp of commercialising its flagship RealEyes device following the successful reception of its first prototype, and in a record world-first, sailing through FDA Stage 3 trials in under 6 weeks.

Now, in 2017, the California-dwelling whizz-kids have returned with a parade of upgrades, to be included as standard upon launch set for today.

According to its developers, the RealEyes device is the “next generation of realism, first portrayed in dystopian science-fiction blockbusters, and yet, conjured into reality, today”.

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Propelling tomorrow’s world into the present

The tech syndicate, headed up by new iRealEyes Inc., Project Manager Professor Terry Tinkler, explains:

“RealEyes is a tech vision long in the making – a breakthrough device that promises to redefine the boundaries between virtual reality and the senses. The devices name has been acronymed ‘RealEyes’ which stands for ‘Regressive Exophoric Analysis Loop for Existential Yield Extrapolation System’, and includes the most avant-garde developments known to science within the fields of nanotechnology, semiconductors, molecular chemistry and electronics.”

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Professor Terry Tinkler, Project Manager at iRealEyes Inc., strikes a pose whilst reviewing the day’s TPS report.

According to iRealEyes Inc, all of its sub-components have been meshed with ultra-carbonised graphene and infused with thermo-nucleotised magnetic nitrogen crystals — now revamped to ensure enhanced tactile feedback whilst wearing the device.

“We haven’t just re-vamped our device, we’ve amped it up too,” says Tinkler.

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Leaked photograph of RealEyes beta-test-phase device.

Furthermore, the gizzards of the RealEyes device 2017 Deluxe Edition are now kitted out with an array of 1, 417 hexadecimal stacks of lithium-ion nano-battery-pack nodules; “We’ve got lots of spare lithium and we’re intent on using it wisely. No way are we missing out on the lithium hype,” said Tinkler.

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‘Goggle-View’: rumoured to empower the wielder of RealEyes, with the ability to forego all unnecessary gnosis, to experience fully immersive dream-state awareness of their own personal choosing.

A rather bold move for the syndicate — coating the RealEyes inner-core entirely with hand-made microscopic cobalt-shavings — but one that could prove to be a masterstroke market move, with hopes of catapulting the fledgling VR device to the top of consumer sales charts by Easter.

When asked, how could such a leap forward in battery-storage technology was possible, Prof. Tinkler cleared up all the confusion:

“It all comes down to working smarter, not harder. All these Tesla-giddy folks are barking up the wrong tree. It’s not about producing a mass-market car, sold to millions — it is all about producing a must-have device, sold for millions. There’s a difference.

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In Driving mode, users can access the RealEyes ‘Complete Range Awareness Synchronisation Hub’ (CRASH) system, free of charge.

“The market may be smaller, but you can get away with a lot more. Take our batteries for example — our batteries are the only in the market that use a radioactive version of the rudimentary carbon molecule.

“Although this greatly increases the levels of gamma radiation permeating the hippocampus, in tandem with, temporarily eviscerating the neo-cortex; we see it as a small price to pay, for the realism RealEyes provide.

Plus, we’ve got all the paperwork to say RealEyes is safe to use. All the pages are stamped and signed – so it’s all legit. We’re even working on toddler and adolescent versions to be announced in due course. It’s all been checked by the guys in white lab coats, so there’s nothing to worry about.”

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Early concept-stage ‘iRealEyes Rugrat Edition’.

Looking for RealEyes

Once mounted on a face, the RealEyes device integrates 17 nano-computers as part of a 486-core CPU, re-programmable with thought alone. This era-defining leap forward in LCD-screen technology now allows a fully interactive interface to be overlaid onto the real-world events taking place.

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Device users are able to sync their entire lives onto one microchip, allowing for early-warning ‘Boss detection’, ‘Partner deflection’, and ‘Friend auto-pilot’ modes as standard.

This feature is now conclusively proven with 25% of test subjects reporting immediate progress with their unstable relationships, in double-blinded, triple-tested, zero-pointed FDA studies.

RealEyes in action

RealEyes Beta Version demonstrates the device’s ‘automated point-of-interest highlighting capabilities’.

However, it has not all been plain sailing for the RealEyes mission plan over the past year. There have also been some unfortunate hiccups.

The unexpected blow of simultaneous parabolic price spikes in lithium, graphene, cobalt and zinc — the four major raw materials from which the RealEyes device is made — have left the entire iRealEyes Inc., venture hideously over-budget.

“It’s such a shame the commodities resurgence came whence it did. Our goal was always to keep the retail price of this device below a million bucks, to be made available to the masses; give or take a hundred-baggers. But now, with metals prices off to the races and our upgrades team working miracles with their cheque-books; we now have a retail price closer to $1 million.”

But how does Tinkler explain the ~500% RealEyes device increase, compared with the on-average ~67% increase in raw commodity prices?

Tinkler doesn’t shy away from the answer; “We’ve done a heap of upgrades and improvements since our initial prototype last year. The steep price increase isn’t just an input costs thing though, we’re also sending a message to our future customers, to say, ‘No riff-raff’”.

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The ‘RealEyes’ device comes in both male and female versions, including built-in driving assistance.

“The only silver lining to this cost-sprawling quagmire is that Trump got in. At least now, we have an assured route to market, sales, profits and dividends, with not a single joy-killing bureaucrat in sight. Things are tough out there, so the red-carpet treatment isn’t going unappreciated on this side of the aisle, lemme-tell-ya ... every little helps.”

With the RealEyes device going on sale today, for an eye-ball-bulging $999,333, concerns from humanitarian and equality watchdogs are already streaming in. Debate on radio phone-ins is raging and the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) has received over 1,000 complaints from viewers following a recent TV ad-campaign.

RealEyes your Senses

Controversial RealEyes campaign claiming to ‘sharpen senses’ without ‘dulling wallets’ was criticised on over 2,000 radio channels in 17 countries; 4 nations undertook independent enquiries. Australia’s Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull ordered a snap Royal Enquiry but the Queen declined.

Avid humanitarian campaigner Ms. Peaches Clutterbuck, from ‘Help the Phoneless’ took to the airwaves to vent her frustration;

“How dare iRealEyes Inc. do this to average Australians, and those considered to be in the underclass?! There’s people walking around with Nokia phones out there, and in need of serious help — not pipe dreams.

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Ms. Peaches Clutterbuck, Senior Campaigner at ‘Help the Phoneless’, a non-profit think-tank seeking to equalise the inequality in modern technology distribution rates, worldwide.

“Struth... If these devices can turn reality into dreams, it is the constitutional right of every Australian to have access to one. Instead of annihilating the gruesome reality empty-handed people find themselves in, these tech-whizz-kids have built a device that only enriches the reality of the rich-and-famous. The rich don’t need to change their reality — they like it the way it is. It’s pre-paid people sitting in internet cafes that need these devices most.”

Early sales of the RealEyes device were organised through WhatsApp Messenger and password-protected darkweb sites with sales volumes being reported as “torrential” by TechCrunch, in the early hours of this morning.

According to iRealEyes Inc., the company’s debt burden is now “significantly alleviated” by today’s capital inflow; thereby taking this sprawling tech syndicate into pole position on global valuation rankings and CEO pissing contests, overnight.

“It’s been a good day for reality,” said Professor Tinkler.

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